Behind the mask is a wounded heart

I have never experienced a miscarriage but I know many woman who have.  I know its physically and emotionally painful but not experiencing it personally I would never know what it really feels like.  This last week I had my heart broken in a way I think is similar to a miscarriage.  Again I have never had one but I would say this feeling I have now, is as close as I would ever get.  A child was not growing in my womb, but in my heart.  For the last 5 months we have been trying to be matched with a little girl needing a family in California.  We knew her name and that she has Down Syndrome.  Things did not look so super promising up until the last five weeks.  Only by the grace of God, we were told we were a candidate family.  Crazy things happened and we got more pictures of her sweet face.  We shared with many that we could not give her real name but we were asking everyone to pray for Baby J. We had hoops to jump through and we saw God work in some amazing ways.  There were financial parts to this potential adoption and God provided.  Everything looked like it was going our way and we were just waiting for “that call.”

When we had not heard anything on Thursday this past week we sent an email asking if there was anything else we needed to get together before we were officially matched to this little princess.  Later that afternoon we received an email stating that they had identified another family that they are considering for who we thought was surely going to be our little girl.  Baby J was the little girl I thought was a nine year dream coming true.  My heart sank as I read the email over and over….. hoping it was just a misunderstanding or a bad dream.  I had to keep it together as I was on my way out the door for Miley’s gymnastics class when the email came in. The rest of Thursday evening is a blur and I can remember just sobbing as I saw one of the pictures of Baby J that we posted through out house. We posted the picture so that we would remember to be praying for her while we waited to go get her.  I got angry and walked through the house taking each one down and I threw them in the trash.  My heart was hurting and angry. 

We did everything they told us to do.  They wanted things only the state of California required but we worked hard and found people here willing and able to do what was needed. We were told that with extra cost, they could do what normally takes at least a month, in a week. We were told that they would not hold her for us but finding a family with experience for her needs had been a challenge so we had a really good chance of still being “the family”.  So we worked hard and fast.  Praising God the whole time for this opportunity and for this little girl.

The only way I can describe how I feel is like we were so close to holding this precious child in our arms.  Closer than we had ever been in regards to the other DS children our family almost got the chance to love.  We were ready to fly out and wrap our arms around her forever.  I feel like she is gone in a death sort of way.  I cant hold her like I hoped. We were basically working with her caseworker for the last 5 weeks getting things squared away. The caseworker even tried to get passed a few odd requirements that only California had. Since she could not get past the rules we were told to quickly get things together if we still wanted to be matched to this little girl. I was so close to having her in my arms and she is gone.  Is that what it feels like when you miscarriage?  

Almost 2 years ago I lost my sister unexpectedly.  The loss and grief is still fresh in my mind and its pretty close to what I feel right now.  The emotions feel the same….. mostly.  See, with my sister I was not angry about her passing.  She is in a better place and I know that I will see her someday.  I have to be honest, right now I am hurting, sad and ANGRY.  I am struggling with anger towards God today.  God knows I am angry, I have told him many times lately.  I know that there is no use in beating around the bush with God.  He knew I would feel this way.  If I didn't shout it to Him I would be lying.  I am angry because this is not the first time we have been close to having the dream of adopting a little one with DS come true.  This time we were closer than ever before and I am ANGRY!  This time we worked harder than ever before to get it all worked out.  Five weeks ago God opened doors that surprised us.  Then on Thursday the doors were closed - no slammed in our faces!  I feel horrible because we shared this dream with our kids and they were so excited to become the family for Baby J. I could hardly say the words when I had to tell them that they are working with another family for her now.  They too are sad but they are handling it better than me.  

Remember the pictures that I threw in the trash?  Caleb found them and made posters on his computer that read “Dont give up hope” just above her picture.  He placed a poster each place where I had taken the picture of Baby J down.  

The kids keep saying “other families backed out, maybe it will happen again and they can pick our family again.”  There is a chance that the family they have picked could back out and they will look at our family again.  I am not going to pray that the family chosen falls through like the others…… but believe me I have thought about it. I don't even want to consider it as a possibility right now because my heart is already broken as it is.  I am focusing on praying that Baby J is placed with a wonderful family that loves her forever.  Its all I can do now.  

I know that God does not bring you to something that He wont get you through.  I am trying to find peace in knowing that He has a plan and somehow all of this will make sense someday. Right now the wound is big.  I can put on a brave face and try to smile. I am good at wearing the mask with a smile.  I’ve done it before and I can do it again.  I cry in my room or in the car with my sunglasses on.  Its how I cope and it works.  I will eventually be ok, I will get through it.  Please pray for our family, for my heart and for Baby J.  I kindly ask that you don't ask if I am ok.   The truth is that I am not.  I will be someday, but not today. 

Hoping and praying for our heart wish to come true!

The last ten days have been filled with anticipation, excitement and wishes for time to hurry up.  Two blog entries ago I shared with you all that we were hoping to adopt Emma.  That is still in the works but the court system is slow so it could be months before she is officially free for adoption.  Its a waiting game.... so we will continue to wait.  

In that same entry I shared that we have been hoping to adopt a little one with Down Syndrome.  It has been something Mike and I have felt we have wanted to do for over 9 years.  We just knew that it would be in God’s time.  Now you must know that I am not good at waiting.  When ever we had an empty bed and were on the open list and waiting for a call on a baby needing our home as a foster placement, I prayed that maybe it would be this time that we would get a call on a baby with DS.  It never happened.  My heart would feel a pull of sadness but it was quickly replaced with joy while snuggling the baby God did plan for us to watch over.  I would always remind myself that it all was in God’s time.  

Last year I found a wonderful lady that runs a non profit up in Phoenix that becomes a resource for families that receive the diagnosis of DS for their child.  This organization puts together care packages and support information for families.  I shared with Gina, the creator of the non profit, about our hopes and dreams.  She has such a fabulous heart for these special children and has a child of her own with DS. She shared with me that there might be a little 3 year old boy in the foster care system needing an adoptive home.  We did not know much but prayed maybe we would learn more if it was Gods will.  One day I got a message and then a call from her saying there might be a baby boy that needed an adoptive home as the little ones mother was overwhelmed and felt it was best for the baby to be adopted. We were excited to be considered for this child.  We were ready to go up to Phoenix that moment!  Three days later we were told that the mother decided not to give her baby up.  While our hearts were broken, we understood how hard that decision had to be.  We later learned that the boy in foster care was going to be adopted by his foster family.  We had to rejoice that God had already worked through His plan for these babies..... but it still left me sad.  

Mike and I registered our family with a Down Syndrome Adoption Network (NDSAN) in hopes that we could work with them and some day be matched to our forever baby through them.  In June of this year we got an email about a sweet faced little girl that needed an adoptive family that lived in California.  We live close to California, we want a little girl.  It seemed perfect!  We sent off an email saying we were definitely interested.  We got an email back saying our foster care home study was not enough and that we would not be considered unless we had an adoption home study.  We found out that it can take 3 to 5 months to get an adoption home study finalized.  My heart was so broken after getting excited about this little girl with the cutest cheeks.  Mike and I decided that we needed to move forward with getting our adoption license anyway because we knew that maybe this was God saying get things in order for the baby he has planned for us.  Our foster care licensing agency was great at helping us get things put together for our adoption home study.  Its definitely a process!  The paperwork is almost more than what you fill out and sign to buy a house.  I kept reminding myself that it was all going to be worth it.  A little over a month ago I checked the website that had the profile for the little girl in California and my heart was saddened to see that her file was removed from the site due to a family match pending.  I knew in the back of my mind that I should be happy for this little girl but I was sad just the same. 

I kept reminding my self about how God knows just the child for our family.  We got word that all the paperwork was completed and that all that was left was to have it sent to Phoenix and wait for a judge to approve it with his or her signature.  There were delays getting it sent and we were told 3 weeks ago that it would take about 6 weeks to get it back.  Again we just prayed for the little one we would only know some day..... waiting is soooooo hard!!

Ten days ago I went about my morning routine and after getting the kids started on their school day I sat down to check emails.  There was an email that said “Good News” in the title from our licensing agency.  Not expecting anything really, I opened the email not sure what it was about. Then I saw the words “we got your Approved Adoption Home Study back today!!”  Mike was working next to me and I might have made him deaf in one ear when I shouted “AWESOME!!”  I think it took a few minutes to sink in but then excitement took over.  I wrote to the NDSAN saying our Adoption Home study was approved and that we wanted to get officially placed on their registry.  We finished out some paperwork and sent things back that day.  Later in the afternoon we received an email asking that if we were still interested in the the little girl in California, then we needed to answer some questions in regards to our experience with her listed medical issues and also tell them how close we lived to major hospitals and specialists she required due to her medical issues.  We were confused and I sent back an email asking why were were being asked for her if she was no longer on the two registries that had previously listed her and her account said “placement pending.”  

The email I got back 10 minutes later left me speechless!  We were told that there was a family matched to this little girl a few weeks back but they just heard from her caseworker that the family fell through and a new search needed to take place.  She said our profile was being sent because of our level of experience!  I wanted to cry!  

Of course we received this info on a Friday and God knows how much I need to have patience.  I could hardly contain waiting for Monday to come.  Over the weekend Mike and I had many questions come to mind and we put them into an email for the NDSAN person.  One of the questions was about what the normal time frame is for kiddos matched to families being placed with them.  When I got the response that said it could be 5 plus months I was sad.  This little girl we were being considered for is almost 2 years old.  Five more months is a long time.  At first I was just sad.  Then I got mad.  Mad that a child who needs a home, needs a family, turns 2 in a few months and that lives in a specialized facility (not a family home) was going to have to wait 5 + months before evening getting to be with her forever family.  Late that night I decided I was going to write a letter.  This letter addressed the wait time when a child is already free for adoption and a family is ready, able, trained, screened, fingerprinted and identified as a good match.  I sent it off after having time to make sure it said what I wanted and a few people I trusted had read it and told me it was not too harsh.  I was not sure I was going to get any response. I was praying it didn't get a negative response.  Later that afternoon we had an email from the little girl’s caseworker! I was shocked.  She explained that there had been more than 3 families that had been matched to her and all of them backed out due to her medical needs.  This bothered me in that no child is perfect.  Children with DS are never perfect and there are medical issues that come along with having DS.  She has most of them.  This did not shock us.  She wrote that after reading our family profile and our experience that we were a pretty impressive family.  She wanted to match us to this little girl but there were things that were in the way that our licensing agency had to take care of.  After a few emails and phone calls we were told things were being ironed out.

This last week we have done some calling, writing and ton of prayer.  We have told the kids about this little girl and they can hardly wait to meet her.  We have told them it is not a done deal but they are not thinking anything but positive.  Things are moving in the right direction.  On Friday we were asked if we are willing to travel to meet her and make sure we are trained for all of her needs.  This excites me!  I am cautiously optimistic...... ok I am down right giddy!  I am trying to contain my excitement.  I want to get on a plane right now to go make her ours forever.  I have to be really honest though...... I am scared!  I am afraid that I am already so in love with this girl.  We have just 2 pictures of her and I am already in love with her cheeks, her eyes, her smile.  I know her name and very little else other than her medical issues.  I am in love with this chubby cheeked, adorable little girl!!! I am afraid that there will be something that will get in the way and we will lose the opportunity to make her ours forever.  I am afraid that my heart will be crushed. I dont want to think about it but its there in the back of my mind.  I am afraid that we are asking our children to pray about this little girl that might get to be their baby sister...... and they too will be crushed if we find out that it falls through.  I want it all to hurry up so we dont even see a chance of that happening and I have no control over time.  

I am having to lean on the fact that God has opened the doors to this little girl possibly being a part of our family, answering years of prayer.  I have to trust that he knows the plan for her and for us.  I have to trust His timing and for me that is a daily, hourly, every minute struggle.  

I wish I could share with you this little girls name and picture but at this point we are not allowed to.  I will share that when we looked at the Christian Baby name book that we have had since we first had Caleb, her name means “Messenger of Love.”  I can also tell you that we are considering giving her the middle name Victoria which means “triumphant spirit.” 

If you would please lift this little girl up in prayer and also our family as we walk through these next few weeks.  We dont know a time frame right now but hope to have more answers from her case worker on Monday.  Please pray for my heart as I trust in God and not let my fear of loosing her before we have her get the best of me...... I wont ask you to pray that I have patience.... I am asking for that often enough.

Jeremiah 29:11